Take Charge Chronicles

My top secret time management tip.

You won’t believe where time might be hiding and how easy it is to find.

“More time” is the thing we long for the most yet seem to have the least of.

In this fast pace world, time is at a premium. We use every service imaginable to help us “save time” and still, we seem to have less of it than ever. We are “stretched too tight, worn too thin, pushed too hard.” We have more to do than we have time to do it. And we often end up sacrificing the things we say we value most.

This is especially true when it comes to taking care of ourselves.

I don’t know about you, but I too often end up living off the leftovers of my own life.

Everybody else’s needs come first.

Even the damn cat. And by the time I get around to doing something healthy or nourishing for myself, I’m too tired to try.

Or at least I used to be.

But not anymore.

Not when I apply this top secret time management trick in my life.

And when I forget to apply it (which I do more often than I’d like) my time starts slipping away again.

It’s time I have total control over.

Time that no one can take it away from me. Time I used to waste without even thinking about it.

Let me explain with a story.

Because just last week, I forgot again.

I was at the gym.

There was weight on a barbell, heavy-ish weight for me. I picked it up to do a squat. The moment I dropped down below parallel, I felt something like hot lead radiate over my entire left side from my butt down.

I shrieked.

I freaked. Every muscle from my tailbone to my big toe was seized up in a full on charley horse. I had to go straight to urgent care. I’m still not sure how I drove myself there.

The diagnosis sounded grim.

My pelvis had popped out of place. My left leg extended a half inch longer than my right. My sciatica nerve was exposed and irritated. The doctor could dull the stabbing pain, relax the muscle, and put my hip back in place but it might take months for the numbness and tingling to retreat. Months for the muscles to feel healthy again.

I headed straight for a party in Pity Town.

I spiraled quickly. Bemoaning my age. Whining about my bad luck. Beating myself up for not stretching properly. I wove a dramatic sob story about how this might be the end of my CrossFit days. I whimpered at the pain. I dropped my head into a pitiful pout.

I carried on like this for two whole days.

Feeling extremely sorry for myself. Whipping up the “woe is me.” I spent hours, upon hours replaying the scenario. Wondering what I should have done differently. Asking why. Borrowing worry.

When it suddenly occurred to me.

“I am wasting a tremendous amount of time.”

And for what? Is all this stewing and brewing going to make me better? Going to make me stronger? Going to make me well?

“Hell. No.”

How many times have I done this?

How many hours, days, and weeks of my life have I wasted feeling sorry for myself?

Feeling sorry that… someone did me wrong. Or that I didn’t get a fair shake. Or that something was out of my control. Or that I got dealt a bad hand. Or that someone else had it better/ easier than me.

I complain about “not having enough time,” yet I’m often not productively using the time I’ve been gifted .

Feeling sorry for myself takes a tremendous amount of time and energy. And it absolutely does not move me in the direction of my goals and my best life.

In fact, it moves me further away. Not only does feeing sorry for myself waste precious time, it actually causes me to go backward.

So it’s like a time suck. I lose the actual time I spend feeling sorry for myself, plus the time it takes to come back the distance I moved away from my path during the pity party.

I must be a good steward of the time I’ve been given if I wish to cultivate more.

I currently have the perfect amount of time. We all do. 24 hours in a day. Time doesn’t play favorites. We all get the exact same amount.

What I do with the amount is up to me.

I can spend my time feeling sorry for myself over this thing or that.

Or I can spend my time taking inventory. Identifying what’s available to me. Appreciating what is working. Recognizing the resources (however small) I have at hand.

I will not find more time by looking at my calendar and rearranging things.

I will find more time by looking inside of myself. Noticing what I spend my time on… that no one else can see.

Then, taking responsibility.

Because no matter who I want to blame for taking up so much of my time…

It really does begin within me.

When I finally figured out I was wasting time feeling sorry about my bum leg, I shifted mental gears.

I asked, “What can I learn from this? What can I do differently next time? What am I missing in my fitness regimen that led to this injury? What fundamentals can I revisit to build a stronger foundation?”

Those questions led me to workable solutions. Things I can do. Decisions that are in my power to affect.

Which are things self-pity will never lead me to.

Next time you feel stressed and pressed and hear yourself saying, “I just don’t have enough time” …. Stop.

Do a self-check.

In what ways are you feeling sorry for yourself? Even if it’s just a little bit? Even if you’re justified? Even if it seems harmless?

Let that go.

Refuse to feel sorry for yourself. Choose to take charge of that time instead. You’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish with it.

This changed the way I see other people.

letting go (of lots of things), problem solving

If you’re caught up in other people’s problems, this will help.

I was fresh out of my masters counseling program.

I’d taken the national exam and was waiting for a licensing interview with the state counseling board. It was against the law for me to see clients until my licensure process was finalized.

The lull was weird, because I’d been working with clients most every day for two years in various internship positions. I was accustomed to carrying the weight of my clients’ problems. I often worked with troubled teenagers and their problems were especially heavy.

At first, I didn’t know what to do with myself during the downtime.

But a few weeks went by… No calls from probation officers. No fresh stories of trauma. No runaways from the safe house. No family drama.

My mind started to breathe. My body stood a little more upright without the weight of new problems. I was able to play and be present with my four year old. I was laughing more. Enjoying friends and family. The whole world seemed a little brighter.

And I loved it.

One morning I met a friend for coffee.

We’d been through the counseling program together and she was waiting on her license as well. She was an ordained minister and had started a nonprofit center to help at risk-students build better lives. Her dedication was awe-inspiring.

As I listened to her, I wondered how she kept such an incredible peace and willing spirit in the heart wrenching work. I was envious.

And mad at myself.

With tears in my eyes, I told her the break from counseling had been good for me. So good, that I didn’t know if I wanted to go back, even once my license was approved.

It was the first time I’d admitted it.

The words both relieved and scared me. I’d just spent 3 years and thousands of dollars training to do this work. Now I was ready to quit? What was wrong with me?

I felt like a failure.

And not just because I wanted to quit.

But because some clients got better and some didn’t. Some changed their lives for the better, some for the worse. Some overcame depression; some continued to contemplate suicide. Some stayed sober. Some relapsed. Some went to foster homes. Some were sent back to parents who beat them.

It had all become more than I could take.

My friend listened. She shook her head. She knew. She had watched the same things unfold in her own work with clients.

After some time of silence between us, she looked into my eyes and held my gaze.

She said something I’ll never forget.

You know, people don’t belong to you. They belong to God.

Fresh tears rolled down my cheeks and my mascara with them. A peace passed through my body.

In that moment I realized I was trying to be God. I was assuming responsibility, even control, for my clients’ paths and choices. I was operating under the following premise- When my clients didn’t do what I think is “best” or “right,” I’ve failed.

Talk about a Savior Complex- I had one.

A very undercover one, that presented itself as wanting what is best for other people; convinced I knew what that was. But…

Other people don’t belong to me.

Sure, I can come alongside someone for a time. Maybe even an extended time. But the path they take, the life they make- that’s between them and their Creator.

My friend taught me how to see my counseling work as walking alongside someone on the journey, for a designated time.

This powerful lesson flows perpetually into every area of my life now.

(Especially when I remember to let it.)

My son doesn’t belong to me, he belongs to God.
My husband doesn’t belong to me, he belongs to God.
My parents don’t belong to me, they belong to God.
My online community doesn’t belong to me, they belong to God.
My critics don’t belong to me, they belong to God.

And still, I totally screw this up sometimes.

I try to fix things that aren’t mine to fix,
I care too much what other people think.
I base my success on other people’s standards.
I try to control people that aren’t mine to control.

But it only takes a hot second of dealing with inner angst to remember,

I’m doing it again. And people don’t belong to me, they belong to God.

I’ve learned that people don’t belong to me.

No one belongs to anyone.

We all belong to ourselves (and to a Creator if we choose to see it that way).

And this truth has brought me incredible freedom. I hope it does you as well!

Need to make a decision already?

anxiety

Here’s how I’m making the best possible decisions for my life.

Last week was super hard for me.

I had to make a decision that felt like it broke my heart. It was one I’d been praying about. One I’d been walking toward for a while. A chapter that needed an ending.

So a new chapter can begin. It was painful, yet perfect, really. Just what I needed to do for so, so many reasons.

It’s easy to make it dramatic.

But honestly, it’s just the nature of making decisions.

We are all making choices every day that do one of two things-

Each decision, big and small, is moving us closer to the person we want to be, or it’s moving us further away.

It’s actually pretty simple.

Maybe it’s just me that likes to make things complicated?

I sometimes chew and stew and rue over things, making myself a bit batty. But when I step outside of my paralysis analysis for a moment I can see decisions for what they really are- a choice about how I want to show up in the world.

It’s a question of, “Who do I want to become?”

Or asked another way, “Who do I want to be on the other side of this decision?”

That question is easier to answer.

I know who and what I want to be. I want to be Brave. Strong. Real. Fierce. Grateful. Humble. Self-aware. Loving.

I want to be a creator, a contributor, a difference-maker, a lightbulb changer, a fire-starter.

I want to slide in my grave sideways like a baseball player steals home plate. Nothing held back. For sure, not some decision I made too big a deal about. Even a tough one.

You are probably facing decisions in your life right now.

Maybe they are weighing you down? If so, I encourage you to ponder your difficult decisions differently.

As you’re stuck, thinking, ‘Ugh. I need to do this thing or that thing, which will it be?”

Consider these questions-

1.Who will I be on the other side of this?
2. Which choice takes me one step closer to the person I’m working to become?

Because often times, our difficult decisions aren’t about the “right” thing or the “wrong” thing.

Most of us aren’t trying to decide between armed robbery or being a missionary.

We are good people at heart, doing the best we know how.

And we can become better people, for ourselves and the world, by going ahead and making decisions instead of circling the drain.

Lets decide what we need to do.

Then, dammit…

Do it.

9 quick ways to kick that funk

anxiety

Don’t stay stuck a minute longer.

Question from a reader: I’m driving myself to insanity with over-thinking, self-analysis, self-doubt, self-loathing, internal misery and zero action. What the heck can I do to completely change my brain and actually enjoy my life?

I know this place up close and personal.

Here are 9 things I’ve found that help.

1. Eat better food.

Seriously. Put down the packaged foods and pick up literally, anything fresh. I’ll leave nutrition tips to the experts. But if you feed your brain crap, you’ll brain will give you crap back. It needs fuel that will make it run like the super computer it really is.

2. Cut out the negativity.

Stop reading and watching all that negative stuff and stop engaging negative conversation. Avoid news media and social media for one day. Rate your mood on a scale from 1 to 5 (1 = curmudgeon, 5 = polly anna) before the negativity diet. Rate it again after. See what you learn because negativity can make you nutty.

3. Do something for someone else.

Literally- anything. One nice gesture, kind word, apology, act of service, pay it forward moment… for someone else. Then do it again if that feels as good as it should. Do it until you get so lost in other people, you forget about yourself for a time.

4. Cut your”need to-do” list down to 3 specific things.

There’s too much stuff on it and you’re probably not doing most of it anyway. Your long to-do list is like a haunted house in your mind- slamming doors, scaring the guests, and being an invisible pain in your ass. Decide the 3 most important things on it and start with one.

5. Simplify your “want” list.

Don’t want everything; it’s too difficult and depressing. Narrow it down to only one thing you want in a 4 areas. Make it something you have say-so in and can be accomplished within the next 7 days.

Only one, positive, forward moving thing you want and have control over accomplishing in each area within the week-

1) Soul care
2) body care
3) relationship care
4) work/career care

Four things. That’s it. Small, specific, and doable, so you can call each one “done.” Write them down. Check them off.

6. “Don’t take yourself so goddamn serious.”

Compliments of Ben Zander in the The Art of Possibility: Transforming Professional and Personal Life.

We do this, you and I. We take ourselves so seriously we can’t see past our own drama. And if this statement makes toes curl and blood pressure pulse — it’s all the more important we do it.

7. Laugh like a villain.

I’m serious. Even better if you can find a mirror and watch yourself do it. Dig deep. Conjure up the best evil laugh you have from deep down in your belly. Laugh like a villain until you’re laughing for real. If you can’t possibly bring yourself to do something so silly, see #6 above.

8. Go outside.

It’s easy to hide inside when we feel stuck. Go outside. Right now. It doesn’t matter if it’s sunny, windy, snowing, sleeting, or raining little green gum drops. Go.

9. Do something childish.

We often hear these words as derogatory. But let’s see childish things for what they most often are- free, joyful, alive. If you can do something childish with a child, that’s even better. They’ll help you get over your “adultiness” as you do it.

These 9 things in small, simple, steady, doses will ninja chop your analysis paralysis and get you moving in no time.

Social networks: helping or hurting you?

anxiety

Here are 3 ways to decide for yourself

This is not another post about how you “should or shouldn’t be on Facebook.”

(Or instagram or twitter or snapchat or whatever you’re into these days.) You’re a grown-up. I assume you know yourself pretty well by now. The decision is your’s of course.

I simply offer three things to think about as you decide how to use your time “socially.”

Sure online.

Like that group you belong to in which the members love to dress their cats in stripped sweaters and make them do funny things and video them.

Or Oprah’s virtual book club. Or that group of gamers you play with .Or that baker who hosts live videos where everyone makes cupcakes together. Or that group that helps you deal with your chronic pain. Or that community of people who share the struggles and successes of being introverted.

Or that cycling club where people from all over the world log their miles and share their photos. Or that forum where everyone discusses the financial benefits and risks of flipping houses in today’s market. Or that parent’s facebook group for your kid’s class. Or that business mastermind for freelancers.

But offline too.

In your day to day interactions with other people (assuming most of us still have some).

Like your band of office peeps you go to lunch with and or stop to see for a chat between projects.

Like the gang you hand with during your fitness class. Or the mom group that coordinates soccer snacks. Or that volunteer group that picks up trash on the weekends. Or those dog moms and dads who show up the same time you do to let your pups romp at the bark park.

Or your small group that talks about personal things. Or that committee that is organizing your community fundraiser. Or the runners you train with for a half marathon. Or the folks who stay after yoga class to catch up. Or that group of writer’s you share your work with each month. Or that small business networking group you attend.

Whatever “social” looks like for you…

There are three great ways to measure the value your social networks are adding to your life.

Ask and assess the following:

1. Does being involved with this group make you feel better about yourself?

It’s not a complicated question. It actually works best if you don’t overthink it.

Recall the last time you were involved with said group.

When you were finished, did you feel good about yourself or maybe a little bad about yourself?

Sure take the activity or interest itself into consideration. But more importantly, think about how you felt after doing that activity with the people in your specific group.

Did you feel confident, encouraged, empowered? Did you feel more informed, more inspired, more creative?

Or did you feel vulnerable, uncertain of yourself, “less than” you were before you engaged? Did you feel jealous, depressed, anxious?

If you depart from that group feeling stronger and surer of yourself, lighter, happier, smarter, or filled up… then it’s likely a great place for you to engage.

If not, you might want to rethink the time you spend there. Because your time is a limited asset. Spend it on things that give you a stellar return on your investment.

2. Does being involved with this group create work you enjoy?

Most of us are already juggling lots of things. Many of us are managing way too much because we have a hard time saying, “no” when people want something. When people ask us to do favors, tasks, stay later than agreed upon, organize, deliver, coordinate, share, comment, read, or whatever else is required in the group.

If it’s work you enjoy doing, bravo. Keep doing it. But if it’s just one more thing that spills over the edge of your already full plate, making you feel tired and resentful… think twice.

3. Does being involved with this group move you closer to the person you want to be?

I’m not just asking if the group makes you “feel good” on this one. I’m asking you to dig a little deeper.

Is this group helping shape you into the person you want to be in the future: The partner, parent, business owner, manager, artist, spiritual seeker, health nut, teacher, influencer you hope to be some day?

Is time in that group making you a healthier human? Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, creatively, financially, and/or physically? More self-aware? More compassionate? More open-minded? More knowledgable in your field or hobby? Is it closing the gap between you and other human beings?

Or is it tempting you to gossip? Compare? Compete in unhealthy ways? Judge yourself or other people? Prove yourself? Perform for accolades alone? Is making you more cemented and narrow in your viewpoints rather than expanding the way you think?

How will you know?

If you answered “yes,” to the three questions above, you’re precious time is likely well spent.

If you answered “no,” to one or more of the questions, you might consider limiting your exposure to that group. Your time is a valuable resource. And it’s nonrenewable. You can’t get it back once it’s gone. But you can spend wisely going forward. You can spend it on people, thoughts, and things that keep you focused and headed toward the person you want to be in the world.

Improve your low mood right now.

anxiety

For years I’ve worked with people on restructuring their thoughts.

On seeing their circumstances differently. On fostering positivity in the process. On normalizing life events many of us deal with. On finding middle ground instead of fearing the worse. On letting of that which we can’t control. On believing the good about ourselves and others rather than the bad. On finding things to be thankful for when it seems there’s nothing to be thankful for.

It can be a slow process.

Does it work? Absolutely. With time and intention and commitment.

But…

When we feel lower than the belly of a salamander… When we are so down on ourselves we can’t see anything but our inferiority… When our energy is so zapped we don’t know how to pull up and out… When we are beating ourselves up so badly we’re too black and blue to think straight…

It’s tough to change our cognitions in the moment. (At least that’s my experience.)

What if there was a different way?

A way to bypass our thoughts and let our bodies get a crack at feeling better first? Isn’t it possible that shifting how we feel in our bodies might send our minds a new message?

Sure. It makes sense. It’s one reason deep breathing techniques work so well for anxiety.

What if we had a useful technique for a low mood as well?

I believe I’ve found one.

A super simple one at that.

Have you ever noticed your posture when your mood is low?

When your mind is in a negative place? When you’re exhausted? When you feel beat down and helpless and hopeless?

I have.

It’s like a gravity vortex, pulling me downward.

My head is down.

My chin is low.

My gaze is too.

My shoulders are rolled forward.

I’m slumped over.

If I’m standing up, my gut is poking out.

And my whole bottom half is loose and saggy.

Especially my butt.

It’s very unattractive.

And it makes me feel very unattractive. And negative. And exhausted. And beat down. And hopeless. And helpless. (Not to mention I can’t get a deep, invigorating breath by hunch-backing.)

And when I feel all those things it’s almost impossible to see my circumstances differently or think positively or normalize how I feel or identify middle ground or believe in the good or find something to be thankful for.

Seriously, I might as well try Jedi mind tricks.

So my best strategy when I’m feeling low is to prop myself up.

Literally.

To lift my head and my chin. Then my gaze from the floor to whatever is out in front of me.
To roll my shoulders back and squeeze my shoulder blades together, hard. So hard I can feel the pull across my collar bone.
To suck in my gut like someone is going to sucker punch me.
To squeeze my butt cheeks together (and whatever else I can squeeze) like I’m trying to crack a walnut back there.

When I’m finished with those four steps, I can actually take a deep breath. A breath that goes down into my belly instead of getting stuck at the top of my rib cage.

Once I’ve stood myself up properly, my body is more confident.

And my body is convinced it’s more capable than my mind might believe. So I just stay propped up until my mind gets on board.

If trying to convince yourself you feel better than you do isn’t working for you- try getting out of your head and into your body.

And let me know how it goes! I’d love to hear from you in the comment section.